Tuesday, 18 August 2015

Opening Up To You

Opening up to you is something I do on a very frequent basis. That's what this blog was for, that's what it still is for. So here we go. I think I've fallen back into a state of depression. I won't say its full on depression. I'm not diagnosed. What I'm saying is, when you have no motivation, no drive to do anything, you can't find happiness in anything, I guess those are the signs.
  Of course I smile. It doesn't mean I'm not in this sense of isolation and loneliness 24/7. That's the hardest part. I feel lonely.
  It takes a while for me to sit down and write these posts because I often think

"Am I attention seeking?"
"Am I offending others?"

And so on...

  Recently I started writing songs again. I have a collection of about 10. Not many I know, but the majority of them you will never hear, they're too close to my heart for me to even share them with my best friend. However, I did write one called "Glass Bones and Paper Skin".

  This song sort of describes how I am feeling in a way without it seeming that I am really sad, and really lost. There's a line that says "Maybe it's time to stop with the super glue, maybe it's time you found somebody new".

It seems suicidal. It's not. I'm not. It's more of a thing where I don't want to be fixed because someone tries. I want to be "fixed" because I worked my ass off to feel happy.

  I know people will say "but it's not fair on those around you."  
  I will say back "I know".

  I know it's not fair; but neither is being forced into feeling something you don't want to feel, or aren't ready to feel.
  I'll say now, I hate telling people they are not going to understand; but what I mean is you will never understand fully. You will never understand fully, how rubbish it is when you are forced to pull yourself together. Let me be sad for five days. Who knows? I may be great for months after!
  My point is; you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You can't make a person feel something they aren't ready to feel. When they want you, they'll call. They'll text. THEY will bring it up. If you bring it up and they go silent...CHANGE THE SUBJECT. They obviously are not ready to talk about it.

"Sad songs make me happy, so I don't have to feel alone"- A Day To Remember.

Thank you for reading,
  Hopefully I'll be back to myself soon,
    With Love,
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