Sunday, 30 August 2015

Maybe I Am A Wallflower

I often spend time looking in on things from the outside. I spend many hours of my day people watching, not many people know this, nor do they notice.
  I like to think of myself as an illustrator or a narrator of a novel, and I can see everything that goes on, I'm aware of it all, but no one knows I'm there, and nobody knows I'm aware of everything.
  Isolation is very much a present characteristic in my life right now, I like to be alone to think and to come up with these great thoughts, but the only thing about being a wallflower is; I can't share them.
  I have friends, but goodness knows that all the thoughts in my head can't be spilled out onto 10 people, in hope that they will pick up as much as I said as possible.
  I don't think I'm all that understood amongst people when I say, I feel isolated in a room full of people, yet claustrophobic at the same time. It's like my mind is begging to share all these great epiphanies and all these big thoughts and dreams, but at the same time; it's as if people are trying to look inside my head to see what's going on and if I'm still there.
  To me a wallflower is someone who is as equal as everyone else around them, but they aren't fully in that person's mind. As if a person doesn't purposefully stop to think how is so-and-so today. Being a wallflower, for me is all I ever do. I often find myself reading novels, or whilst walking, that my mind begins to wander about this endless path of thought about members of society. Where are they going? Are they sad? How is their life on a daily basis. It seems to be I find myself caught up in my own head so often about others, that when it comes to me, I never truly know who I am.
  I can tell you I'm an artist, a day dreamer, a writer, a poet, a singer, an academic, a reader, an appreciater, a listener, a talker, a watcher. I am only of what all the other people on this earth are. I don't know my purpose to it's full degree yet, as I do not know myself.
  There is so much more exploring to do, so many paths to wander, sometimes I prefer the idea of watching individuals travel down these paths, and getting a glimpse of life as this great big plan.
  I want a purpose of my own, and I do have one, but when you see everyone wandering the streets, you yourself begin to wonder, are we all wallflowers? Do we all think the same of everyone around us? Do we all feel isolated by ourselves in anyway? Do we all hope to feel a forever in a time scale?
  The Perks Of Being A Wallflower deeply influenced this. I didn't want to give a quote without creditation, so: I can write here for days about how much we may or may not wander, but what I can sit here and say is; although in a sense we are all people watchers, we all adore stories and tales, we have these moments in life where we never want it to end. We stay transfixed in the memory or treasure, for what can be a lifetime. I guess you could say in the moment, we feel infinite. When something finally happens to us, we feel it has all fallen into place and it belongs.
  As we are all wallflowers, we all belong on this wall of wondering I guess. Wondering about others, and wondering about ourselves.

With Love,
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  1. a very well written piece inspired by a great, great book <3 i agree with your thoughts on wall-flowering