Sunday, 17 May 2015

As Close As I Got

(Disclaimer, if you are offended by mild swearing, do not read this)
We all fall for people, some of us get what we want, others of us however, don't. I'm going to use a quote that's being passed around the internet quite a bit lately; that is "Life is a bus ride". A few months back I developed an infatuation for this guy. He was tall, he was shy, he treated me like a real person...and then he got off my bus, and I'll never see nor hear from him again.
  I've never had a boyfriend, and after what happened, I don't think I want one just yet. I'm not looking for someone to fall madly in love with, to kiss in the rain and to beg that they "hang-up first". No.
  When someone tells you, and I quote "all I want is you...I love you", and you finally expose your feelings to them too, it can go one of two ways. Number one, things will pick up and they'll go somewhere. However in my case, it'll qualify for Number 2. They just wanted to look like a "lad" in front of their mates.
  On 7th February 2015, I was asked on a Valentine's date. On the 14th February he called it off, and claimed to have "family plans". A week later I found out he was keeping me a secret and hiding me away, and this is what struck a chord in me. If someone is head over heels, upside down, and inside out for you, then WHY THE HELL DO THEY HIDE YOU AWAY? One month later I found out he was talking to this other girl, a few miles from where my home town is. Two months later I found out he'd asked one of the girls I'm fairly close with, to go on the same date. This when I gained a bit of common sense.
  I grew a strong disliking towards him. After crying on my friend every week, saying I missed speaking to him and that he made me feel special. Because this dickhead of a human being hurt me, he also hurt my friends. Because I was upset about it, it upset them to see me like that.
  You'd swear the way I explain all of this it was a two year relationship with love, hugs and rainbows all around. We had only been talking for four and a half months. In four and a half months, I'd grown a liking, an adoration, and an infatuation for this person. All to find out I was another na├»ve, stupid little girl off his checklist. We spoke, we admitted feelings, only half which were true, and then I was left.
  It's a heavenly feeling knowing that someone likes you when you're in your PJ's with your hair tied back and no make-up, regardless of what you look like, they say all of these nice things. No 'photos' were sent throughout this, except for the photo of my revision set up on my dressing table, in which I happened to get caught in the mirror.
  I've been asked to prom by one of my friends, he's such a lovely person, but I said no. I still don't feel comfortable about everything that happened. I've been asked on a date, this person again is sweet, but I don't feel that way, and I hate knowing how he feels, because it happened to me too. Like I said, I'm too afraid of having what happened the last time. It was the closest thing I ever had to anything remotely like a relationship.
  So much went on in those few months with my mind afterwards. I was afraid to trust people. I didn't speak much. My friends told me I'd stopped smiling. I didn't want to go out on weekends.
  Recently, I put out a tweet. The tweet read: "We get angry at people, we go through a phase of being fine without them, then we realise what they did, and how we felt about them... </3"
  It's true because I'm at the age where I'm surrounded by relationships, and I'm not jealous, I just keep remembering I could've had that with that boy...but I didn't. I still read over our conversations, counting how many times he called me cute, or beautiful, or something of that notion. Then I miss him. I miss him a lot. Despite all the hurting, and all the tears he put me through, part of me is still waiting for him to come back...I know it'll never happen, but I know if it did, I'd fall a million times deeper than the last time.

With Love,
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